The Perks of Being an Easter Bunny
by sistokid
Summary: SLASH. Jett hated Easter. He hated the awful colors, the stupid rabbits, the ugly eggs, and most of all, he hated the idiot, snot-faced kids. Although Carlos was tolerable. Jett/Carlos. Oneshot.


**So it's not Easter anymore. I know this is late, but... maybe I'm just extra early for next year? **

**Also, this pairing? I don't even know. Jett makes a good jerk and Carlos makes a good innocent little moron. No offense, Carlos.**

**Disclaimer: Unbelievably random and moronic. Also, I don't own Big Time Rush, the characters, or the band.**

**Warnings: Stupid. Pointless. Why did I write this. I don't know. And some cursing. **

**Reviews are appreciated. **

**Enjoy and junk.**

* * *

Jett hated Easter.

He wanted to take the stupid, pastel-colored holiday and stab it in its fluffy little face.

Now, he had nothing against the religious aspects of it, even though he himself didn't practice faith. No, it was the commercialized, cartoony, _moronic_ side of Easter that made him want to punch out everyone within a ten-foot radius. Just... the stupid flamboyant rabbits with their stupid ugly baskets and those _stupid_ _stupid_ eggs... what the hell were rabbits doing with eggs, anyway? Why were those two things associated together for this horrible holiday? Rabbits don't even lay eggs!

He hated the colors. _Baby _pink, _baby_ blue, _light _purple, _light _green, _light _yellow- a horrid palette, and none of them were even remotely chic. And making children dig around in the landscape for hideously painted eggs? Barbaric! Moronic! Waste. of. time.

And don't even start on the hideous creature known as the Easter Bunny. Just... _ugh_.

Of course, usually he didn't have to bother with Easter. He could avoid it just as easily as everything else he hated, and he hadn't actually been forced to participate in Easter since he was four.

Until, of course, today. Precisely two days ago, Jett had a little... _mishap_ with one Kendall Knight. They'd bickered and argued and then Kendall threw the first punch and now everyone wanted to know why Hollywood's Sweetheart (being Jett, not icky awkward-faced Kendall) was being _violent_. His manager had been _pissed_, the producer had _screamed_, and his mother had sent a stern scolding via telephone. To save his Nice Guy image and make the public love him again, Jett was to volunteer for something. It would have to be heart-warming, possibly involving children, and very, very public.

See where this is going?

Jett Stetson, Hollywood hottie and all-around sex-on-legs, was sitting on a gigantic purple and green throne in the middle of one of L.A.'s biggest malls. In a bright pink, ultra-fuzzy, slightly moldy smelling costume.

He was the shopping mall Easter Bunny.

And there were just _so_ many problems with this. Primarily, the costume was just... just awful. It smelled funny, it was absolutely _scorching_ inside, and Jett could only see through two tiny, circular eyeholes in the head part of it. And did he mention that it was hot? He was sweating like... like... like _not_ how a celebrity should sweat! His fabulous hair had flattened, and his bangs were plastered to his forehead with dampness. God forbid anyone attractive see him once he gets the stupid costume off.

Secondly, Jett hated kids. _Hated_ them. He wanted to punch the sticky, smelly, boogery little things in their fat little faces. He'd been at the mall for three hours- just one more to go, because the paparazzi had already taken a thousand photos and gotten interviews with ecstatic parents who said Jett Stetson made a _fantastic_ Easter Bunny- and already he wanted to strangle every kid that was placed on his lap. Two sneezed on him (complete with projectile boogers), one had coughed up their lunch onto him (he'd originally been in a purple bunny costume, but was forced into an even uglier pink one due to the vomit), and one brat who must've been at least ten years old tried to yank his bunny-head off. Jett had immediately (due to natural reaction, really!) shoved the damn kid off of his lap, making it cry and run back to its mother.

Jett _hated_ kids.

He hated the Easter Bunny, and he really effing hated Easter.

* * *

"I _love_ Easter!" Carlos exclaimed, jumping up and down in his place in line. He'd tagged along with Mama Knight and Katie to see the Easter Bunny, and although Katie whined the entire way ("Mom, I'm _twelve_! I know there's no Easter Bunny!"), Carlos was ecstatic. He ignored Katie, because obviously the Easter Bunny exists. "See, Katie? What do you think of _that_!" He pointed dramatically toward the giant pink bunny seated in an egg-shaped chair. "Toldja he was real!"

Katie crossed her arms, groaning. "Carlos, for the last time-" She winced when her mom elbowed her sharply, sending her a glare.

"Of course you were right, honey," Mama Knight soothed. "Oh, it's almost our turn! Now remember to smile nicely for the camera!" She sent Katie a pointed look, and the young girl sighed.

* * *

Jett groaned as he saw two teenagers coming at him. One was very familiar- from Big Time Mediocre Appearances or something. The other was a small girl, who looked just as thrilled to be there as Jett was. She sat down reluctantly, and Jett thanked all that was holy that she was light. Some of these kids were so goddamn heavy, they made his legs fall asleep.

When the guy from that band he doesn't care about bounded over and plopped himself down, Jett let out an _oof_. The guy was heavy as all hell and hopping up and down on his knee, way too excited for this. "Hi, Mr. Easter Bunny! Katie didn't believe me, when- when I said you were real! But then I told her, _of course_ you exist, and then- and here you are!"

"Carlos, shut _up_," the girl demanded through her teeth, scowling at the camera.

The guy's- Carlos's- smile faded for a second, but then sprang right back up, and he dug a crumpled piece of notebook paper from his front jeans pocket. "Look, Mr. Easter Bunny, I have a list of what I want!" He unfolded the messy paper, revealing a detailed list written in purple crayon. Jett groaned, sinking back into his chair. Was this guy missing a brain cell (or two million)? "I waaaant a Nerf gun, a pack of new darts, a corn dog machine, a cow, a pink smoothie that will last forever, a steady relationship that isn't pretend and only 'cause my boss hired the girl, another corn dog machine, a corn dog, another corn dog, to grow six inches-"

Jett was astonished. The kid was... odd. He not only believed that the Easter Bunny was real (wasn't he, like, seventeen years old?) but he seemed to be mixing Jett up with Santa. "Look, dude, I don't give out presents-"

"Oh! And I want a life-size me made out of chocolate!" Carlos paused and scrunched his nose. He was cute, if not ridiculously stupid. "But not that weird icky fancy stuff. Hershey's chocolate! And- and make it so it won't melt!"

"Carlos!" the girl shouted, reaching over and smacking him upside the head. Jett watched on in amusement, even as his leg started to get pins and needles. "Be quiet and smile for the camera!" Carlos pouted for a split second before turning to the camera and beaming. And hey, he had a nice smile. Not that Jett really cared. No matter how simple-minded Carlos was, Jett was _not_ hitting on anyone in a stupid rabbit costume.

Once the photo was taken, the girl grabbed Carlos by the wrist and tried to drag him off. But he pulled away and dashed back to Jett, cutting the next little kid off and launching at Jett into a hug. "See you later, Easter Bunny!"

And Jett did _not_ feel warm and fuzzy inside from that hug. So what if the guy had the most charming, lovable aura he'd ever experienced? And so what if Carlos was adorable and had a cute little smile and was somehow sweet even though he was a total moron? Jett did not feel all giddy when he got a hug. And he certainly didn't feel disappointed when Carlos pulled away and a short, scrawny kid stomped up and kicked him in the bunny shin.

Well, he _was_ disappointed, and also infuriated and had to be physically restrained by his manager because he was half a second from pummeling the stupid little kid.

* * *

When he was finally finally _finally_ done with his stupid community service, Jett had to walk down- in the bunny costume, still- to the farthest bathroom where the fewest kids would be. If he changed in one of the more commonly used bathrooms, a kid could see him come out with a dismantled Easter Bunny costume and all hell would break loose. So, with his manager getting the limo, Jett was left to his own means to get down to the bathroom.

Which was _stupid_, because just twenty feet from the bathroom door, he was tackled and pinned to the wall in a crushing hug. For the record, he did not _scream_. He merely let out a high-pitched shout as an explanation of surprise, which was completely called for. He wriggled, trying to at least rotate so he could see whom his vicious attacker was.

"Hi again Easter Bunny! I missed you!"

Of course.

Jett sighed, squirming around until he could see Carlos, who had his head buried somewhere under the pink bunny armpit. "Hello, Carlos-"

"You know my name!" he squeaked, peeling himself away to grin at Jett. "You're my favorite magic person! I like you even more than Santa." He froze suddenly, looking panicked. "Oh- oh, don't tell Santa though! I still wanna get presents for Christmas."

Why was this idiot so attractive? He had the mind of a child, no fashion sense (purple striped hoodie? gag.) and he didn't seem to know the meaning of _stop talking_. But Jett still found himself standing there, gazing at the short boy with odd fascination. Unfortunately, he noticed a few guys walking by and laughing at Carlos, saying things like 'retard!' and mimicking him cruelly. Jett sighed; he should just put this kid straight before he got beat up for being... less than average intelligence. "Look, Carlos... you know there's no actual Easter Bunny, right?"

The reaction was instant, though not what Jett was expecting. Carlos giggled, rolling his eyes. "Funny, Mr. Easter Bunny."

He... thought it was a joke. Of course. Jett groaned, reaching out his bunny paws to grip Carlos's shoulders firmly, trying his best to get eye contact while wearing a cartoon rabbit head that he could barely see through. "No, Carlos, seriously. The Easter Bunny isn't real. I'm just a guy in a costume, and the Easter Bunny is just a character to make Easter fun for kids. Just like Santa is made up to make Christmas fun, and the Tooth Fairy is made up to make it less scary to lose teeth." He paused, tilting his rabbit head. "Though if you ask me, having some random fairy sneak into your room while you're asleep is worse than losing a tooth."

Carlos stared at him, but chuckled stiffly. "Seriously, Easter Bunny, stop joking around. You and I both know all those guys exist and live with Santa's elves at the North Pole."

Unbelievable. This kid was... _delusional_. Jett closed his eyes, trying not to blow up. But desperate times for desperate measures, and one of those rude teenagers from before was still standing nearby, listening into Carlos's bizarre ideas and mocking him. Sighing, Jett gripped his bunny head with both paws, and tugged the stupid thing off. He had to close his eyes, for they weren't quite used to the bright light yet, but he heard Carlos gasp in horror. "Told you," he muttered, blinking his eyes open. Fantastic. In the fresh air, he could _really_ feel how drenched his hair was with sweat. His entire face felt sticky, his bangs were flattened to his forehead, and he could feel the heat in his cheeks. He glanced down at Carlos, who was staring at him with an absolutely heartbroken look.

"_Jett_? You're the Easter Bunny?" he asked softly, voice cracking. His gaze slowly fell to the floor, eyes boring into the dirty tiles in confusion.

"Carlos, there _is_ no Easter Bunny. I told you."

He looked about to cry. "A-and there's no Santa?" Jett repressed a groan and shook his head. "Tooth Fairy?" Another shake of the head.

Jett expected an explosion, denial, something loud and aimed at Jett himself. What he didn't expect was for Carlos to turn and run out of the mall, hands pressed to his eyes. In fact, he was running, blinded by his palms, directly towards the parking lot. Jett didn't even think twice before jogging after him, which was _really effing hard_ in his stupid pink bunny-feet boots. He was huffing by the time he made it outside, because _christ_ the stupid suit was heavy. But he didn't need to run too far, luckily, because he heard loud sobs before he even got to the road. He turned around, and found the slightly dimwitted boy sitting against the mall building. He had his knees bent up to his chest, and his head was buried in his arms. "Seriously?" Jett muttered, sighing heavily before making his way over and crouching in front of the troubled boy. "Carlos."

"Leave me alone, dream-crusher!"

Mature. "Carlos, come on. It's not the end of the world. Now, me being like _this_," he gestured to his sweaty face and hair, "in public- _that_ could be the end of the world. But _everyone_ knows that the Easter Bunny isn't-"

"Shh! Stop ruining my life!" Carlos shouted, clamping his hands over his ears. Jett huffed, glaring at the graffitied brick wall behind the childish boy. "You killed Easter. And Christmas. Go away!"

And oddly enough, Jett felt guilty. Carlos was legitimately crying, and Jett ruined his holiday. And Carlos _had_ been the most interesting and least annoying person to sit on his lap all day. So he sort of felt obligated to cheer the poor guy up.

Except, Jett was awful at consoling people. He didn't really care about the feelings of others, just himself.

Actually, that might work. If he did what _he_ felt like, it wouldn't make Carlos happy but it _would_ distract him from his current problem. So without thinking it through or considering how his actions could freak Carlos out, Jett reached out, slapped his bunny paws on either side of Carlos's face, and tugged the boy's face forward. Just pausing to give Carlos's face a quick scan (and yes, Carlos was decidedly attractive) Jett shrugged, tilted his head forward, and crushed their lips together in a smooth kiss. Jett, of course, had excellent kissing skill and immediately took charge, which was good because Carlos clearly had no idea what to do. Apparently the kid was just innocent in every aspect.

* * *

Carlos let out a high-pitched grunt, eyes wide as he stared at Jett, who was... kissing him.

Jett Stetson, famed actor, Hollywood's Sweetheart, and one of L.A.'s Sexiest (not to mention the destroyer of all of the figures Carlos looked up to) was kissing him. And it was getting hardcore, even though Carlos had yet to respond. Jett's tongue poked into his mouth, which was sort of slack with shock. Slowly, Carlos raised his hands to Jett's fuzzy pink shoulders and pushed him away a little. The actor backed off slightly, looking at him questioningly through half-open eyes. "What?"

"Um." Carlos bit his lip, completely confused. "You... kissed me."

"I'm aware."

"But- but _why_?"

Jett quirked an eyebrow, and Carlos had to admit that he liked how disheveled look on Jett. The guy was handsome anyway, of course, but Carlos sort of liked how his hair was messy and not gelled up, and how Jett was sort of sticky and... normal looking. "Well, because. You're childish and naive and cry easily and ridiculously immature-"

"Hey!"

"But I still, for some reason, find you attractive. And cute, I guess. Or actually, _endearing_ matches better. Yes," Jett decided, standing up straight. He glanced down at Carlos, a sure smirk on his face. "You're endearing, that's what it is."

Carlos stared at him, before standing up as well. "I don't know what that word means," he said quietly. Jett was about to groan and inform him, but Carlos continued. "But you're attractive, too." He paused, eyebrows scrunched. Jett reached out boldly and wrapped his fluffy pink arms around Carlos, tugging him close. The innocent boy was his now, and Jett was not careless with his property. Besides, he was excited to break Carlos's innocence. "Woah, hey, wait. You- you owe me _big_. Like, a whole lot, because you just destroyed my two favorite holidays. You have to get me a bunch of awesome presents for Christmas, okay? And a lot of candy for Easter! And you have to decorate eggs with me! And then hide them so I can find them! And-"

Jett shut the kid up with another kiss, and as soon as he suctioned onto Carlos's lower lip, he stopped his bitching and clumsily kissed back. And Jett could do all those things. Or just pay someone to do them.

And as Carlos imperfectly tried to copy Jett's kissing, and the small boy's tears dried and Jett repaired his broken heart (due to lack of his childhood holiday characters) through his skilled tongue and the itchy bunny hug, Jett wondered just why he was so content with all this.

But he just shrugged it off and continued to rip away Carlos's innocence with his teeth.

Not a bad Easter after all.


End file.
